I’m so Sad I Have to Write About Donald Trump’s Penis
On Thursday night, something happened at the debate that deeply upset me. Donald Trump talked about his penis, and I realized I should probably write about it. Why, 2016 election cycle, must you make me contemplate things that I truly had no desire to think about? Why, Donald Trump, must you make insinuations about your dick size on national television? And why, America, must we be so enthralled with the borderline lunacy of this man that we then spend days talking about his penis? I am so very sad.
To be fair, I suppose, Donald Trump didn’t just come right out and make a declaration about his penis size. No, this was, bizarrely enough, a comment in reaction to Marco Rubio’s equally juvenile actions. Earlier this week, Rubio commented on how small Trump’s hands were, and said: “And you know what they say about guys with small hands…You can’t trust ’em.” Now that comment was clearly tongue-in-cheek–it was clear to everyone what Rubio was insinuating.
So, Trump decided to also address that comment at the debate on Thursday night after Rubio was asked a question about personal attacks on the Republican frontrunner. I have this image in my head of Trump sitting around with his advisors pre-debate, brainstorming the creepiest, weirdest way to announce that you have a large penis size. They succeeded.
Last night, Trump, referring to Rubio, stated:
He hit my hands — nobody’s ever hit my hands, I’ve never heard about this. He referred to my hands and said, ‘If they’re small, something else must be small,’ and I guarantee you there’s no problem. There’s no problem.
If you’d like to torture yourself, here’s the video:
Consensus appeared to be that people were upset by Trump’s crude statement, but not necessarily surprised. After all, this 2016 Republican primary has been marked by name-calling, childish antics, and complete nonsense–one of the most firmly establishment candidates, Rubio, was the one who started the hand size-penis size insinuation mess in the first place.
So, that’s where we are in American politics right now, our Republican presidential candidates are arguing about penises. This election cycle literally cannot be over soon enough.